The 12 Most Unintentially Hilarious G.I. Joe Villains Ever [Lists]

Here are the 12 most insanely stupid villains that G.I. Joe has had to
deal with.

Above
Image:  G.I Joe Intruders 1976

The big budget live-action movie G.I. Joe Retaliation came out this weekend, and
it’s a huge success  thanks to cool villains like Storm Shadow
and
Cobra Commander. But Cobra hasn’t always been successful in it’s
recruiting. Here are 12 idiots who stumble, mumble and stink up the Cobra base.

If you’re here for the A-Z Challenge you can skip to the end. We’re highlighting 26 great geek blogs this month.

#12 Headman

Specialty: Illegal narcotics

Back in the 90s, the Joe’s decided to stop drugs. We all see how well that turned out. Terrorist organizations often use drugs to finance their operations, so
it’s no surprise that Cobra has a drug dealer.  The biggest pusher of
them all was Headman. He could have been evil and scary, but he’s not.
Besides dressing like a 70s pimp, he wasted a fortune on gold plating
his gun.

11# Cesspool

Specialty: Chief Environmental Operative

During G.I. Joe’s unsuccessful attempt to stop global pollution their
main villain was Cesspool. Similar to melting man and the Toxic Avenger, toxic waste turned this evil CEO into a freaky mutant bent
on causing world pollution. He didn’t succeed as a Cobra villain but,
if he’d worked for Exxon, he would have succeeded beyond his wildest
dreams.

#10 Tomax and Xamot

Specialty: Infiltration, espionage, sabotage, propaganda, and corporate law

When my brother I were in school, the kids teased us by calling us “the
evil twin brothers” after the Crimson Twins. I was actually pretty proud of that.

Unfortunately, these two twins are the stupidest looking guys twins you could ask for. They dressed silly, looked
sillier and had the insane weakness of feeling each others pain. The
Joes used this to their advantage several times by waterboarding them.
Not really, but that was the logical next step. Plus, neither of their
names make sense. No one has ever been named Tomax or Xamot. Why
couldn’t they have just been Bob and Bob?

#9 Sludge Viper

Specialty: Hazardous waste weapons

The worst job in Cobra’s Army are the guys who handled hazardous
waste called Sludge Vipers. Not only did they have to handle the stuff,
but they also shoot it out of their guns. I’m not sure what the Cobra
insurance plan was, but I’m sure it didn’t cover this kind of job.
Plus, his suit is useless at protecting him. His bio card suggests
shooting his sludge gun to make it splash back on him because “the
stuff is just as dangerous to HIM” as it is to his enemies. So what’s
the point of the suit? My eyes! The goggles! They do nothing!

#8 Cobra Commander

Specialty: Commander-in-Chief

For the most part Cobra Commander was a fairly incompetent villain. At
one point though he reached the pinnacle of uselessness. At the end of
the G.I. Joe Movie (1987) he was transformed into a literal snake. And not a
giant snake with laser fangs and rocket launchers either. Just a big, useless snake with little arms. They
never did say how he recovered from that.

#7 Serpentor

Specialty: Emperor

What do you get when you combine the genius of Napoleon, the
ruthlessness of Julius Caesar, the daring of Hannibal, and the
shrewdness of Attila the Hun? You get a guy with poor fashion
sense.  His first act as Emperor was to attack Washington DC
without making sure the President was on town. This snake costumed
freak was even more incompetent than Cobra Commander and was soon
replaced. Of course, anyone that has the audacity to throw live snakes at you must be worth something.

#6 Major Bludd

Specialty: Terrorist

Major Bludd has everything he needs to be a great villain. An eye
patch, an evil mustache and a name that rhymed with blood. He has
everything he needs to be a great villain. He’d be great except his bio
card days his greatest skill is writing bad poetry. Plus, his military
specialty is “terrorist” which is strange because the entire
organization is made up of terrorists! It’s kind of like having a
soldier who’s specialty is “soldiering.”

#5 Tele-Viper

Specialty: Communications

First created in 1983, this terrifying Cobra trooper is the
tele-communications specialist. His bio card says that his equipment
picks up VHF stations. This means Cobra Commander has a dedicated unit
that watches television. Not only that but “the interior of the helmet
offers an alternative LED readout triggered through the optional
computer pack.” That means he watches TV in the middle of a battle.

#4 Golobulus

Specialty: Cobra-la Ruler

The leader of Cobra-La, this bio-engineered monstrosity had the torso of
a man and the body of a snake. Golobulus has had so many body posts
replaced that only his brain and nervous system remains. He’s the
terrorist equivalent of Joan Rivers.

#3 Montezuma’s Skeleton

Specialty: Being a skeleton

Probably the scariest thing you can think of is having a living skeleton lurching at you. Probably the most  useless soldier you could have is having a skeleton lurching at your enemies. He’s a skeleton. This means you can take him out with a KFC spork if you want. Plus, he has a sword, but no muscles to lift it.

#2 Intruders

Specialty: Strong

In 1976, before the smaller “Real American Hero” line of toys, Hasbro introduced a pair big, dumb brutes known as “The Intruders.” Called “Strongmen from another world” they were supposed to be the perfect foe for the 12-inch G.I. Joe doll. Unfortunately, these super-tough strongmen were actually shorter than the Adventure Team members. This means you have two cavemen-looking shirtless guys with bad beards looking up at their enemies. Not scary. You can watch the unintentionally hilarious commercial G.I. Joe Intruders Strongmen from Another World

#1 Crystal Ball

Crystal Ball is Cobra’s hypnotist. That’s right. When Cobra can’t figure
out how to make a guy cluck like a chicken, they call him. The evil
psychic friends network.

Which is the stupidest G.I. Joe villain you’ve ever heard of? Did you see the movie? What did you think of it?

[Image Source: Flickr]

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Marie-Pierre Renaud, an anthropology student in Canada, writes The Geek Anthropologist. The blog focusses on the connection between anthropology and geekdom. Topics like how Star Trek affects her view of gender, Prime Directive and western ideology and humanity. Normally, I find this kind of stuff dry, but she manages to make it interesting for anthropology students and laymen.
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