Ask Lando – Brains, Bad Boys, and Bodywork

It’s time once again for advice from the infamous smuggler, gambler, and baron administrator of Cloud City, Lando Calrissian. As a well-known ladies’ man and swashbuckler, Lando will be solving your relationship problems in the way only a respectable ex-pirate can.

Dear Lando,

I keep hearing how women want an intelligent guy, but it hasn’t helped me. I’m a member of MENSA, and I have a Ph.D. in physics. Yet when I tell women that, they don’t seem impressed. How do I get women to notice my big brain? Signed,

POSITRONIC BRAIN

Dear Positronic,

Looks aren’t everything. I’m incredibly handsome and have a gorgeous mustache, but even if you look like me, women want more out of a relationship than just staring at you. Intelligence is important. However, that doesn’t mean intimidating women or making them feel stupid. The problem might be that you’re telling women your credentials in a way that’s putting them off. When I was wooing Princess Leia, I told her about my mining operation, but not in a way that sounded like bragging. I passed it off as useful information. I also don’t think discussing particle physics is the best way to get a girl’s attention. A good conversationalist can talk about almost anything. Read the newspaper every day, read classic novels, pursue an interesting hobby, and try learning another language. All these things will show there’s more to you than meets the eye. She’ll want to get to know you better. Or at least get her Wookiee to stop strangling you.

– LANDO

Dear Lando,

I’ve always been very polite to women, and treated them as well as I could. Yet I see women chasing after “bad boys” who treat them like crap. Women always say they want a nice guy, but I’m a really nice guy, and women won’t give me the time of day. Is there a way that a nice, intelligent, polite guy can get a date? Or do I have to be a jerk?

Signed,

PROTOCOL DROID

Dear Protocol Droid,

As a smuggler and a gambler, I’ve had my share of people calling me a bad boy. Not every man can be a smuggler, and they shouldn’t be. Women are attracted to “bad boys,” because what they really want is someone who can take charge, stand up for themselves, and is unpredictable and exciting. But they don’t want men who abuse and mistreat them, either. In my experience traveling the Galaxy, I’ve found that men who think of themselves as “nice guys” are really soft, easily manipulated, and bland. Learn to stand up for yourself and take risks. For example, when you ask a woman out, don’t just do the boring dinner and a movie. Take her to go skydiving, eat at an exotic restaurant, test drive expensive cars, or fly the Millenium Falcon through the metal beams of the unfinished Death Star. Just don’t turn your friends in to be captured and tortured by the Empire. That tends to turn women off, for some reason.

– LANDO

Dear Lando,

Last week, this really cute girl at my apartment complex told me her car had been stalling and making knocking noises. I was trying to impress her, so I told her I would fix it for her. I don’t know anything about cars, but I thought this would be a great chance to score points. I took the car to a repair place and gave it back, saying I fixed it. She was so grateful that she agreed to go out with me that Saturday. Well, it turns out the repair guy screwed up, and her engine burned out, and now it’ll cost thousands of dollars to fix. She’s furious with me, and wants me to pay for the repairs. I’m not so worried about the money, but I still want to go out with her. How do I patch things up?

Signed,

NO GOOD SWINDLER

Dear SWINDLER,

The repair shop told you they fixed it. You trusted them to fix it! It’s not your fault! Well, it kind of is. You should have been honest with her in the first place. Starting your relationship on a lie is not a good idea. What if her car broke down again, and she expected you to fix it again? Lying once makes it easier to lie to her later on. Honesty is the best foundation for any relationship. I learned that the hard way when I neglected to tell Han and his buddies that Darth Vader was waiting for them in my private dining room. On the plus side, you should’ve seen the looks on their faces. Me without my camera. Anyway, back to your problem. Unfortunately, I don’t think this relationship can be saved. Just learn from it, and try to be more honest with the next girl.

– LANDO