G.I. Joe Will Bomb: Reason #24

In yet another sign that “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” will be a cultural masterpiece, Paramount studios has officially decided not to show the film to critics. “After the chasm we experienced with Transformers 2 between the response of audiences and critics, we chose to forgo opening-day print and broadcast reviews as a strategy to promote G.I. Joe,” said Rob Moore, vice chairman of Paramount. “We want audiences to define this film.”

While this strategy has produced some success with smaller films, it almost invariably shows that the studio hopes to hide the poor quality of the film from movie goers and have them base their decision on the $300 million advertising alone.

So, let’s recap:

• Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Tommy from “3rd Rock from the Sun”) plays the villainous Cobra Commander.
• The trailer says very little about the plot or story arc instead showing lots of shiny explosions.
• Everyone wears black leather which, since “The Matrix”, is the 60-year old movie director’s idea of cool.
• The film apes several scenes from Transformers including the scene where a robot somersaults over a missile flying down the street in slow motion.
• Marlon Wayans plays a dramatic role.
• Harry Knowles of Aintitcoolnews loves it (he also loved Van Helsing which got 22%).
• The Baroness (Sienna Miller) awkwardly shoehorns in the catchphrase “Real American Hero“.
• Sienna Miller was forced to wear rubber padding to play the big busted Baroness because the director, Steven Sommers, likes “girls with big boobs” (Yes, Sommers denies it, but only a year after she said it).
• The studio is so afraid that people who watch the film will share their opinion they’ve decided not to show it.

UPDATE:The plan worked. G.I. Joe, while getting a 39% on the RT scale, made over $56 million in it’s opening weekend. Even if it tanks in it’s second weekend, it should make back it’s estimated $150 million budget and a sizable profit once it hits DVD. As Kermode says, “It’s the death of narrative cinema” and opens the way for other classics like “Candyland” and “Stretch Armstrong“.